I wasn’t sure about sharing this here (being so public) but I wanted to share this experience because I want this page to be as real as it can be and not just all beautiful memes or fluffy kitties.
As of this past week, I have had to put a stop to my study, it wasn’t a decision made lightly and when I first enrolled I had every intention of completing it.
Unfortunately, there has been a few issues within myself, one being my anxiety and social phobia that is holding me back. But as many know that living with anxiety, it’s not an easy thing to get past.
My theory for study I did perfectly and my lecturer was very impressed with my work. When it came to my placement, this is where it came unstuck and whilst I seemed to cope fine at the placement and the school has been amazing in supporting me, I was becoming unhappy and spent the nights leading to my placement in tears and dreading it at no fault of the school. It was my own demons that I was fighting.
Amongst all this, I have also found out (towards the end of last year) that I am a BRCA 1 mutation carrier which means that I have a high chance of both ovarian and breast cancer. I have had the preventive surgery to minimise the risk of ovarian cancer and I am currently having constant screening for breast cancer. Something was picked up at my latest routine breast MRI but thankfully this has turned out to be benign.
We will continue to monitor things but I also have the thought of preventative surgery at the back of my mind in case we do decide to go down that road.
During this both my lecturer, the school staff, friends and family have been really amazingly supportive in regards to this decision of stopping my study and the school and lecturer are happy to welcome me back at any time if I choose to go back. I honestly don’t know if that will happen but the door is open should I choose it.
This is the real me and I hate the way my anxiety makes me feel but have had to step back.
I would still like to get into something somewhere, not sure how I will go with that for the time being, my family need me to be at my happiest…to get through the mountains that lie ahead.
If you managed to read this far then I give you a high five! With all that in mind and thinking of the positives, I guess that this means I can get back to the large job of doing the rewrites and editing of “The cat and her Mistress”.
Oh and because I can’t do a post without a photo, I DID have to finish it with a fluffy kitty. Meet Willow…
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